On Hindsight

Hello there

Apologies for having been absent for so long. My work on substantive abstraction in nihilism remains as time-consuming as ever. As the forlorn academic Bernie McArdle once complained, I am so in danger of discovering increasingly more about less and less that I shall soon know absolutely everything about nothing whatsoever (I paraphrase: McArdle’s gorse-sharp Ulster diction was, of course, peppered with profanity). But isn’t knowing everything about nothing the goal of an abstractional nihilist?

I am always impressed with the entrepreneurial spirit demonstrated by some of the most unlikely people. For reasons I do not intend to go into here, I regularly renew my acquaintance with one such person, Miss Maureen Bosomworth, of Bury in Lancashire. Maureen is a vibrant 25-year-old whose appearance and deportment exude confidence in an ostentatious, ‘urban’ way. Petite and, this week, sporting a shock of bubbly blonde hair, she is also extremely wealthy - through a simple scheme she has developed, named “Hindsight”. We all know the benefit of hindsight but, in her scheme, she has taken the literal sense of the word to describe a fashion advice service she now runs in the north west of England.

Maureen, herself quite a “looker”, hit on the notion that if we could have a persistent reminder of how we look, we would maintain higher standards of dress and presentation. As you will imagine, even I add a second or two to any glances I may make into a mirror on my way out - like all of us, I like to know that my appearance is attractive, both to myself and anyone I may wish to influence. Maureen sees self-esteem as a desirable commodity.

‘Hindsight’ is a service of clandestine video-filming, which provides a powerful stimulus for standards of personal presentation to be maintained. A typical scenario would be the candidate, electing to ‘pop out to the shops’, grabs whatever coat is handy and, wearing it over house clothes, makes her way into town. Maureen’s team of ex-night club bouncers, retired military policemen and redundant television news cameramen jump out of the unmarked van parked outside the candidate’s house and, using the latest in miniature video recording equipment, follow and surreptitiously film her progress. Later, the team edit the footage and send it on DVD - either anonymously, or perhaps as a gift from a well-meaning friend - to the candidate. Photographs can also be provided.

The reaction of candidates to seeing themselves is usually a profound one. Dreadful hairstyles, ill-fitting and tasteless garments, little if any indication of cosmetic attention and, above all, the sheer girth of hitherto ignored hind quarters usually elicits a torrid response. In addition to the aforementioned staff, the van also contains a psychotherapist, cardiac response unit and legal staff versed in both assault and divorce proceedings.

Few candidates elect to buy the service themselves.

If a candidate does retain the confidence to discuss the revelations further, Maureen’s staff are unusually competent at dissuading further action - other than investment in mirrors, make-up or a dietary plan.

‘Hindsight’ is proving lucrative in the backstreets of greater Manchester and Maureen has plans to expand (the business) across other urban areas of the United Kingdom. Disillusioned husbands and office colleagues, tired of having paperwork blown out of windows as the candidate walks along a corridor, are proving to be enthusiastic purchasers of the ‘Hindsight’ gift package.

Quite why I am telling you this I don’t know. Perhaps the notion of knowing too much about something made me think of Maureen.

With warmest regards

Vernon Thornycroft